I often wish I had some real talent, like painting, poetry or music. So that a few words, a few notes or some strokes on an empty canvas could convey so much more than these long essays that I write. Anyways today I wanted to write, and its a good day as well with Valentine's Day a few hours away.
Let's face it, I am not cut out to be anybody's valentine. Love is too big to celebrate with a person or on a particular day. Oh we all know - the usual stuff - that love can perhaps be best expressed in a smile or a glance, that try as we might, we cannot recreate. The more we try to cast it into a shape or a form, the more it eludes us.
A relationship can, and always is born of a need - but love is not.
So what is it that we celebrate tomorrow? Does everybody go back home with a deep sigh, that, oh yes we tried to express our love, you know - celebrate Valentine's day, but somehow, somewhere it wasn't good enough, wasn't how it was suppossed to be.
I know how I would like to celebrate my Valentine's day. First, a silent prayer of thanks, for all the love that I have received in my life. Of all that I have been given from so many friends and family that it would be a futile effort to even try to put down the names. Thank You, All.
Then, my husband, who has taught me how to nurture love in a relationship, where it is the hardest. And my children, who have taught me what unconditional love is all about.
To all my past er..relationships (including those that fell short of becoming one), for making my life so rich, in the moments that we shared, and making the journey worthwhile.
And finally, to my Guru, for showing me the truth, and that it is not any different from love. For showing me that the path and the destination, is one and the same and that there was never anything to search for, in the first place.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Too tired for home?
Yes, long long journey to reach home and when you see home is round the corner, you suddenly are tempted to give up the journey. The sweet temptation of exhaustion takes over.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
You and Me
There are times when I get close to the truth. That what I desire so much, that what I worship with my every breath, that what I long for, even if you are all of that, you are still not me.
Me is who knows these innermost desires, knows the longing that resides within the deepest of peace and rest that I have known. Me is that which resonates that longing, if you are what I long for, you cannot be the longing. That longing is closest to what is Me.
And there are times when I just long for you.
Me is who knows these innermost desires, knows the longing that resides within the deepest of peace and rest that I have known. Me is that which resonates that longing, if you are what I long for, you cannot be the longing. That longing is closest to what is Me.
And there are times when I just long for you.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Lately...
Lately I have just been so, so lazy and so, so content. Contentment is not a state that I am really used to. In fact being content with contentment is an interesting and unusual state for me.
On the outside, though, lots have been happening. We had a family holiday at Coorg, in a lovely resort called the Orange County. This was followed by three courses in a span of a month and half. Followed by another trip to ashram. A best friend's wedding just got over and I completed ten years of marriage!
Its interesting to notice how much you may allow events to affect your life and how much of it remains untouched. Perhaps ten years back everything in my life would be driven by external factors, people and circumstances. And now, these things hardly seem to make an impact. Even my feelings which meant the world to me, is an interesting timepass now. I feel a great and tremendous relief to see how much I can dissociate myself from the feelings. Once I started paying less and less attention and giving indulgence to how I "felt", my relationships improved tremendously. As if my closest friends and relations suddenly found themselves "real" close to me without having to "understand" me as I would have put it years back.
Meanwhile we are going to have regular Yes+ workshops in IIT Kgp, which is so nice to know. After all, that is where I chanced upon the 'Art of Living'!
Some pics..of my tenth anniversary and Coorg.
On the outside, though, lots have been happening. We had a family holiday at Coorg, in a lovely resort called the Orange County. This was followed by three courses in a span of a month and half. Followed by another trip to ashram. A best friend's wedding just got over and I completed ten years of marriage!
Its interesting to notice how much you may allow events to affect your life and how much of it remains untouched. Perhaps ten years back everything in my life would be driven by external factors, people and circumstances. And now, these things hardly seem to make an impact. Even my feelings which meant the world to me, is an interesting timepass now. I feel a great and tremendous relief to see how much I can dissociate myself from the feelings. Once I started paying less and less attention and giving indulgence to how I "felt", my relationships improved tremendously. As if my closest friends and relations suddenly found themselves "real" close to me without having to "understand" me as I would have put it years back.
Meanwhile we are going to have regular Yes+ workshops in IIT Kgp, which is so nice to know. After all, that is where I chanced upon the 'Art of Living'!
Some pics..of my tenth anniversary and Coorg.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Vicious Circle
Late in the night I wake up with a certain uneasy feeling. I don't know how to describe the feeling, but it is not unfamiliar either. Instantly my mind tries to recall the reason for the feeling, is there anything that happened the day before or is the feeling in anticipation of something yet to occur.
Maybe I will figure it out, or maybe it will remain yet another unsolved mystery. Something that will remain a mystery for a while and then fade away, because the sheer momentum of life will push it aside.
When my son, two years old, is cranky, its an easy puzzle to solve. Either he is hungry or sleepy, if he is physically fine. When my daughter is not feeling good, its a shade harder, perhaps she saw her friend with a toy which she does not possess. With a grown up, it is quite an exercise.
Even when we find an answer, deep inside, we know it is not the reason. This I have worked out with a fair amount of certainity. The underlying reason is never the one that we feel triggers the unpleasant feeling.
Of course, I have a dozen ways to solve it. Sometimes a simple diversion is all we want, and sometimes a dip in the inner silence erases all the wrinkles in the mind. But the thought triggers the feeling, or the feeling was anyway there and we draw a line to connect it to a thought when the feeling surfaces? Because our intellect needs to be satisfied. For once if we disconnect the thought/ all thoughts from the feelings what happens? Suddenly the feeling loses its proportion. Its just a feeling, that's all. Perhaps that is what we don't want. Hey, it MY feeling, how dare it become so small. So we hold on to all the threads, the thoughts, the events, the circumstances that give the feeling it's identity. It is that identity that becomes me. That justifies my feelings and my actions. Without all this paraphernalia, where would I be, what will I hold on to.
But if we choose to not build this mountain, and look at a feeling for what it is, and not pay it too much attention, it suddenly strikes us that this mountain is anyway an illusion, there is no relation between events, circumstances, thoughts and feelings. We get caught in this vicious circle and chase a path that leads nowhere and leaves our hands empty!!
Maybe I will figure it out, or maybe it will remain yet another unsolved mystery. Something that will remain a mystery for a while and then fade away, because the sheer momentum of life will push it aside.
When my son, two years old, is cranky, its an easy puzzle to solve. Either he is hungry or sleepy, if he is physically fine. When my daughter is not feeling good, its a shade harder, perhaps she saw her friend with a toy which she does not possess. With a grown up, it is quite an exercise.
Even when we find an answer, deep inside, we know it is not the reason. This I have worked out with a fair amount of certainity. The underlying reason is never the one that we feel triggers the unpleasant feeling.
Of course, I have a dozen ways to solve it. Sometimes a simple diversion is all we want, and sometimes a dip in the inner silence erases all the wrinkles in the mind. But the thought triggers the feeling, or the feeling was anyway there and we draw a line to connect it to a thought when the feeling surfaces? Because our intellect needs to be satisfied. For once if we disconnect the thought/ all thoughts from the feelings what happens? Suddenly the feeling loses its proportion. Its just a feeling, that's all. Perhaps that is what we don't want. Hey, it MY feeling, how dare it become so small. So we hold on to all the threads, the thoughts, the events, the circumstances that give the feeling it's identity. It is that identity that becomes me. That justifies my feelings and my actions. Without all this paraphernalia, where would I be, what will I hold on to.
But if we choose to not build this mountain, and look at a feeling for what it is, and not pay it too much attention, it suddenly strikes us that this mountain is anyway an illusion, there is no relation between events, circumstances, thoughts and feelings. We get caught in this vicious circle and chase a path that leads nowhere and leaves our hands empty!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Forced to Write
Why should I be feeling so? Why should I be compelled to write?
It's an extrapolation of life itself at this point of time. For truly, nothing would ever get done if I would not force myself.
Life is completing some piece of work you are expected to do and then reaching out for the next. Yup, that's how I define my life.
Funny, whatever was I thinking all these years.
Life is that feeling that envelops you when you feel you are incapable of feeling anything else.
I can take a step back and see the whole drama unfolding. Why should I intervene? Sometimes it is loneliness that makes me want to participate. But then I soon tire myself out, it had been a wrong move in the first place.
It's an extrapolation of life itself at this point of time. For truly, nothing would ever get done if I would not force myself.
Life is completing some piece of work you are expected to do and then reaching out for the next. Yup, that's how I define my life.
Funny, whatever was I thinking all these years.
Life is that feeling that envelops you when you feel you are incapable of feeling anything else.
I can take a step back and see the whole drama unfolding. Why should I intervene? Sometimes it is loneliness that makes me want to participate. But then I soon tire myself out, it had been a wrong move in the first place.
Monday, August 30, 2010
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