I would blame it on the fever. My memory of fever had been an enjoyable state, but that was because of the time I got fever in the ashram. I remember running a temperature of close to 103 and 104 but feeling happy. My body at that time had a mind of its own, and my mind was strangely free and oh so quiet. So much so, that I got some delirious joy out of that fever, which I carried even when I came home to Kolkata, running high temperature and smiling gleefully and curling up on the sofa. Refusing all medications, because who wanted to come out of that state! My people got so concerned when the fever would not just stop and neither would I complain, that they finally put me on a strict course of antibiotics that fixed the "problem" and made me "normal" once again.
But this was three years back. Since then I have been...ahem...healthy and normal.
Till four days ago. I got this fever which was not enjoyable by any means. It had this funny effect on my mind, and I am still counting on the fact that the fever caused it. This time the mind went in the other direction and was anything but quiet. I felt...am feeling...just so cranky at the whole world. A restlessness I was not even aware of has creeped in. I get the feeling that everything that is holding my world, the sense of balance, is so fragile. There is a sense of futility in everything, neither feelings nor commitments seem to be able to steer me into any action. And when I am doing some activity, neither the act gives any joy nor does it seem to have any sense of purpose. The words I speak, are they really true? I probably need to discover their meaning first.
There is not a soul I would even dare to share this with. Everything seems fake except those few eternal moments..which I neither want to hold on to, nor want to recreate. Effort seems too much effort and effortlessness seems like "giving up".
I know no way of escape nor do I care to...going on a holiday would just amount to spending more time with myself, which is what I want a vacation from, if at all I want one. One way of going away from myself is going within myself, but this fever does not let me even sit up, plus what is the point. Another way would be to deeply engage in work, but what work is there that I would even want to do.
I have called a party, but I don't want to invite people. I want money but do not want a job. I want someone next to me but not any of the people who are there in my life and no, not any stranger either. I want to make sure that the lunch has been prepared perfect but dont want to eat it. I love my iPhone except when anyone calls my number, then I don't know what to do with it. I want my wish fullfilled but I do not remember having made any wish in the first place. I love my children but I love it more when they are with their grandparents. I want them to be home, but then the standards I set for myself when they are home are too hard for me to live by. Do I have to be somebody else for them? Someone better than me? Or is just me good enough? What use it is to have people in your life who are your "closest" if you cannot just be your self with them?
Who has put me on this road to perfection? Why have I set myself on this journey that I myself am not sure that I want to take? Does one need a journey at all in order to reach the destination? Or can one just sleep off and only wake up when the destination has been reached?
Next post, only when I am out of fever.
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